09.21.06

An “Educational” Tour

Posted in Jest for Pun at 3:24 am by Miracle ♪♫

MATHEMATICS / PHYSICS

Math One Oh One

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

The following poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

E=mc2 = “Energy = Milk Chocolate square.”

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Math tells us three of the saddest love stories…

Tangent lines; who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.

Parallel lines; who were never meant to meet.

Asymptotes; who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

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“Love is like pi (3.1416) — natural, irrational, and very important.”

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The World - According to Student Bloopers

by Richard Lederer
St. Paul’s School
(Reprinted without permission)

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.  I have pasted together the  following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine  student  bloopers  collected  by  teachers throughout the United  States, from  eighth  grade  through  college level.  Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so  certain  areas of the dessert  are  cultivated  by irritation.  The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge  triangular  cube.   The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the Bible,  Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created  from  an  apple tree.  One of  their  children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark.   Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they  did  not take to it.  One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced  the  Hebrew  slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where  they  made  unleavened  bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fougth with the  Philatelists, a race of  people  who  lived  in  Biblical  times.  Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the  Greeks,  we  wouldn’t  have  history.   The  Greeks invented three kinds  of  columns  - Corinthian, Doric  and  Ironic. They also had  myths.   A myth is a female moth.  One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in  “The  Illiad”,  by  Homer.  Homer also wrote the  “Oddity”,  in which Penelope was the  last  hardship that Ulysses endured  on  his  journey.   Actually,  Homer  was  not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was  a  famous  Greek  teacher  who  went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the  Olympic  Games,  Greeks  ran races, jumped,  hurled  the biscuits, and threw  the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.  The government of Athen was  democratic  because the people took the law into their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were  doing.  When they fought the  Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks.  History call people Romans because they  never  stayed  in  one place for very long.  At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March killed him because they thought he  was going to be made king.  Nero was a cruel  tyranny who would torture his poor subjects  by  playing the fiddle to them.

Then came  the  Middle  Ages.   King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery,  King  Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,  and  the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the Magna  Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil  times  most  of  the  people  were alliterate. The greatest writer of  the  time  was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.   Another  tale  tells  of  William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance  was an age in which more individuals  felt  the value of their  human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg  for  selling   papal  indulgences.   He  died  a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.  It  was the painter Donatello’s interest in  the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.   Another important invention was the circulation  of  blood.  Sir Francis Drake  circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government  of  England  was  a limited mockery.  Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.”   As  a  queen  she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they  all  shouted “hurrah.”  Then her navy  went out  and  defeated  the  Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance  was  William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only  because  of his plays.  He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In  one  of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving  himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.   Romeo  and  Juliet  are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.  He wrote  “Donkey Hote”.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.”   Then  his  wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher  Columbus was a great navigator  who  discovered  America  while cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships were called the  Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the  was  called  the Pilgrim’s Progress.  When  they  landed  at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down  the  hill rolling their was hoops before them.  The  Indian squabs carried porposies  on  their  back. Many of the  Indian  heroes  were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.   Many people died  and  many  babies  were  born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was  the English put tacks in their  tea.   Also,  the  colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps.  During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone  walls.   The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson,  a  Virgin,  and  Benjamin  Franklin  were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin  had  gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and  a  loaf  of bread under each arm.   He  invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Matha
Curtis  and  in due time became the Father of  Our  Country.  Them the Constitution  of  the  United States was adopted   to   secure   domestic  hostility.  Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s  greatest Precedent.  Lincoln’s mother died in  infancy,  and he was born in a log  cabin  which he built with his  own hands.  When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said, “In onion  there  is  strength.”  Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on  the  back  of  an envelope.  He  also  signed  the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship.   But  the  Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other  innocent  victims.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and  got  shot in his seat by one  of  the  actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,  a  supposedly  insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in  Europe, the enlightenment was a  reasonable  time. Voltare invented electricity  and  also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton.   It  is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
flaling off the trees.

Bach was  the  most  famous composer in the world,  and  so  was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.  He was very large.   Bach  died  from  1750  to the present.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.   He  was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took  long  walks  in the forest even when  everyone  was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was  in  a very serious
state.  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened.   The  Marseillaise  was  the theme song of the  French  Revolution,  and it catapulted  into  Napoleon. During the Napoleonic   Wars,  the  crowned  heads  of  Europe  were trembling in their shoes.  Then the  Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon’s flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.   He wanted an heir to inheret  his  power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.

The sun  never set on the British  Empire  because  the  British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the
West.   Queen Victoria was the longest  queen.   She  sat  on  a  thorn  for  63 years.  He reclining years and finally the end  of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final event  which ended her reign.

The nineteenth  century  was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented  the  McCormick Raper, which did the work  of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.  Louis Pasteur  discovered  a  cure  for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a  naturalist  who wrote  the  “Organ  of
the  Species”. Madman Curie discovered  radium.  And Karl Marx became  one  of  the Marx Brothers.

The First  World  War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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ENGLISH

Playing with Words

A bicycle can’t stand on it’s own because it is TWO-TIRED.

What’s the definition of a will. (It’s a dead giveaway)

Time flies like an arrow.  FRUITFLIES like a banana.

A backwards poet writes INVERSE.

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get REPOSSESSED.

With her marriage, she got a new name
a-DRESS.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and i’ll show a A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four SECONDS.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine, is fully RECOVERED.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in LINOLEUM BLOWNAPART.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t BUDGE it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the KEY.

Every calendar’s days are NUMBERED.

A lot of money is tainted. It tAINT yours and it tAINT mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to BEAT.

He had a photographic memory that was never DEVELOPED.

A plateau is a high form of FLATTERY.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.

Those who get too big for their britches, will be EXPOSED IN THE END.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen e
mALL.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge, are IN SEINE.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d DYE.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a KNEAD TO KNOW basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate CLAUSES.

Acupuncture is a JAB WELL DONE.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of deFEAT.

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The English Language

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is  “UP.”

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why  do we wake  UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak
UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report  ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed  UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!  To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are  UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP  a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding  UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it  UP, for now my time is UP, so… Time to shut UP…

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SERIOUS POSTS

HISTORY

Lincoln/Kennedy

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

(Now it gets really weird.)

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
JFK’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald who assassinated JFK was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fiffteen letters.

(Now hang on to your seat.)

Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Ford”.
Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln” made by “Ford”.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
JFK was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

(…and here’s the kicker…)

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

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