09.21.06
Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 4:57 am by Miracle ♪♫
“Not a day without a line.” Your counsel, dear Older Pliny, I wish to preserve. Ever since I began keeping a journal and have finally annihilated the irony of being a journalism graduate without ever maintaining a journal, I feel a sense of gratification.
Disclosing segments of it in Friendster’s Blog — whatever “blog” means (may I be acquainted with the definition by someone who understands) — is a bit awkward to me. Consequently, the word journal will have to be compromised in Friendster as i continue to post only fractions of it. Besides, would not it be rather egotistical and weary others if I present the whole of it? So, if anybody finds my journal when I die, only then can my life become an open book with all the idiosyncrasies, peculiarities, and jejunity of each naked day exposed. For now, it remains to be only slightly ajar.
Anyone would instantly notice that I have predominantly preferred to relate thoughts, rather than daily activities. It is for the reason that compared to our observable actions and speech, what we think customarily escapes hurriedly into anonymity and extinction. As I have intended this journal to be, it is a replication of my mentation and a sharer of my thoughts that though they be fleeting they might somehow be enduring.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 4:51 am by Miracle ♪♫
…I begat an artist’s temperament… but if I am an artist, what is my art, and what will my masterpiece be? It should be my life. An artist’s greatest work should be his life.
God endows us with the palette, brushes, and colors, but the artist chooses the canvas and Which colors.
(07.20.2005)
At the current situation I’m in, one cannot help but ask… have I ever been lucky in love? Probably not…
(…but then, I am the artist, right? I refuse to stigmatize the whole canvas with ebon.)
Therefore, I am not lucky — but I am blessed. Not for the reason that the people I love cannot love me consummately, but I am blessed because I have come to love them… these beautiful people in my life…they are the colors that mould me to become the masterpiece I hope to be.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 4:41 am by Miracle ♪♫
“On ne nait pas femme: on le devient.” One is not born a woman: one becomes one — Simone de Beauvoir’s words.
Earlier, I questioned maturity but also proclaimed that I have become a woman. How then could those two statements be in accord? There must be a thin silken curtain between womanhood and adulthood. I reckon that being mature means having the aptitude of understanding life and living it, while being a woman is the experiencing of love and understanding it.
Thus, the answer to most men and Sigmund Freud’s query — the great question that has never been answered and which he has not yet been able to answer, despite thirty years of research into the feminine soul — “What does a woman want?” Love — Freud, Love… infinite oceans of it!
The intrinsic question is… can a man give that to a woman?
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 4:29 am by Miracle ♪♫
My “Sartre” once spoke of silence. Having the unfortunate shroud of a so-called adult mind — which makes it far more inferior to a child’s, — I expected to hear nothing more. For me it was silence, period.
But he was maieutic and continued to quiz me, “What do you understand of silence?” Space and Nothingness sought attention to be loosened from my lips, but while those two words were being processed within, the philosopher’s query revealed much. My tongue flicked back the words and banished them for the moment. Space and Nothingness would be of germane use some other time, I decided.
The next idea that this thinker proposed was remarkable. It was like nothing that anybody has ever suggested I do with silence: “Why don’t you try it” he challenged. I did, and at this moment, I am silent. Silence has now a different meaning in my life — listening.
The definition gave birth to a realization that silence and listening are, as a matter of fact, the first steps of the greatest things I hold dear in life. They are… of love and music.
Love and music are profoundly synonymous than one could imagine. A person could lose himself in amazement and intimacy in both music and love, one can take so much but has to give more than that he has taken, and most importantly, both require careful listening otherwise they might as well cease to exist.
Throughout the history of man, listening has been acknowledged to be an instrument for spiritual development. What a fulfilling course it must be to listen through music and love. Therefore, in some manner, music becomes a religion as it casts awareness only to those who listen and as it imparts what every bible preaches — Love.
In Plato’s Symposium, music has been said to hold the principles of love in application to harmony… Numerous words have been uttered by wise men pertaining these things. Nevertheless, music and love remains to be partially comprehensible to man. “Love in search of a word,” was Sydney Lanier’s interpretation of music. Romantic and beautiful as it may seem, may it not stop us
from searching for more meaning and answers.
As the dear metaphysician urged me to “try it”, so do I wish to encourage everyone the same way. If all of us stop for a while and just listen, there would be order and enlightenment, and much could be heard. If silence is of listening, and listening is of love and music, and love and music is of life, what perfect harmony must it result in? Hear ye…
John Cage: I have nothing to say — and I am saying it — and that is poetry. (from John Cage’s Silence 1961 “Lecture on Nothing”)
S I L E N T
L I S T E N
.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 4:04 am by Miracle ♪♫
Who claims quietly or openly “I’m mature”?
I realized that when one thinks or states that, he must consider the apostrophe and the space between the two M’s whether these should exist or be omitted.
When does one grow up? On what or on whose criterion should growing up be based?
Physically, there is no hope left for me. Twenty years old and I remain behind the five-foot mark — the definition of a pygmy from a harsh dictionary my brother once showed me. (Or was it my brother who was cruel for showing it to me with an accompanying belittling laugh?hehe) Fortunately, my stature inferiority did not exceed to outrun any scale. I rise less than five feet, but have learned to be content with it that my spirit allows me to stand ten feet tall and beyond.
Evidently, physical growth is not my question’s aim. It is the kind of growing up that leaves a yardstick worthless.However, I am wondering about an invisible apparatus which could resemble a yardstick, but not measure yards, feet, or inches, but instead, measure maturity. Perhaps it would be named a “commonsenstick”? (What am I thinking? It could not possibly be a stick!) A “maturimeter”? Growing up is enervating! Still, it is required, we all have to…ummm…do we really have to?
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Photo: Let’s not get too serious. I can manage to clown around.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 3:55 am by Miracle ♪♫
“Good timings to you, wheriber yu gu”, “May your days be weary and dry”, are the carols I hear in front of our gate before children or adults demand five-peso coins. They even dream of white Christmases, and one-horse open sleighs, just like the ones they never used to know. Do these people know what Christmas is all about? Do we? Christmas bears Christ’s name. Does it still have anything to do with him nowadays? Did it ever?
Scholars are positive that the origins of Christmas can be traced back to the fourth century. Pagans praised Saturn in a festival called Saturnalia; a festival that included the winter solstice, another celebration for Mithra the ancient god of light, occurring around December 25. Yet, it was only labeled “Christmas” when the Roman Catholic Church tried to draw pagans into its religion by allowing them to continue in their revelry while simultaneously honoring the birth of Jesus. The Bible describes details of Christ’s birth, but left the date unmentioned. It could not have happened on such a cold month as December, and historians cannot claim that it took place on December. So, for some hidden or careless motive, somebody ridiculously chose December 25 as our savior’s birth date.
Over the years, the celebration of Christmas expanded throughout the whole world. Christian beliefs were combined with pagan feasts and rituals to create Christmas traditions. Originally, the Christmas tree represented the pagan symbol of fertility, and the mistletoe was said to hold magical powers to bestow life and fertility, to bring peace and protection against disease. The mistletoe is associated with Freya, the Norse goddess of love. Christians incorporated this custom in their celebrations.
But alas! It is a season known for flamboyant public behavior, and overindulgence in food and drink. It characterizes huge feasts, leading to revelry and drunkenness. There is not much difference between the pagans and Christians for that matter. In non-Christian places, Christmas is still observed. In Hong Kong, for example, a majority of Buddhists reside there. Buddhists do not acknowledge Christ as their savior. Then why celebrate Christmas? Other religions outside Christianity also revel in Christmas, being equally absurd as Christian employees here in Mindanao who rejoice over Muslim holidays. That is not surprising. The gift-giving custom of Christmas allowed the marketplace and advertisers to exert an unprecedented influence on people, regardless of religion and nationality. Advertisers and merchants have become the season’s most vehement promoters. Christmas has simply become commercialism to some people.
Christ is supposed to be the celebrant on Christmas. Yet Christ shares the spotlight with another character of comparable fame – Santa Claus. Most Christian parents spend more effort and time in making their children believe in Santa Claus rather than in Jesus. Children are told to be good, not for Jesus who died for them, but for Santa Claus, a fictitious character. “The Three Kings” also play a role during the season. They are presumed to be non-fictional, so-called biblical characters. The amazing thing is that the Bible never specified that there were three, and they were not kings, but only wise men.
Some argue about the meaning of Christmas. These people cannot be blamed. People have no solid foundation to base their beliefs upon. To give the good-hearted people some credit, let us just say that Christmas is a season of joy. Isn’t it taught in the Bible that as Christians, the joy of the Lord should always be with us? Not just on Christmastime but throughout the year. Some say it is the season of peace. Is peace among the drunk on Christmas? Does peace come with those booming and harmful firecrackers? Does peace dwell on revelers? Oh, ok, maybe it is not the season of peace and joy after all. Therefore, it is probably the season of giving. Yes! It is the season of giving! It really is. People give gifts during Christmas all the time. So, what happens to the needy and the hungry at the early part of the year? I suppose they will just have to starve and wait until December. Perhaps it is the season of hope. Hope of what, exactly? Like joy, hope, and peace, giving should not be given a specific date or time. Those four should not be limited to one season alone; they should be present all year round. So, is it the season of love? God is love. I wonder how God felt when people fabricated the date of His Son’s birth and merged it with pagan rituals, or when they made it an excuse for commercialism.
The Bible establishes no guidelines that explain how Christmas should be observed, nor does it suggest that it should be considered a religious holiday. Christmas lacks biblical support. Christ never asked us to celebrate His birth, but remember His death instead. It is questionable that Christ is the center of Christmas. So, is it just a license for revelry? Is it simply a celebration and a mere distraction in attempt to draw one’s focus away from the softly decaying world? What is Christmas after all?
.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 3:36 am by Miracle ♪♫
—————-=====The Conclusion=====—————
(Which piano composition is the most difficult?)
Within the short span of a week, I have heard various estimations and arguments on which piano composition stands to be the most
excruciatingly thorny. The list usually starts with the colossal Rach 3 which is very complex, but which I also deem to have its
difficulty exaggerated by the movie, Shine.
Stravinsky’s Petroushka – the same as Bartok’s viola concerto that is equally tedious for a violist, I agree with the writer who
declared that piano music created by a non-pianist would most likely become nearly impossible.
Chopin’s E minor – technically challenging and more difficult than Rach 3, some say. Balakirev’s Islamey – labeled to be one of
the world’s most tricky pieces. Ravel’s Le Tombeau de Couperin: Toccata. Ah, yes, the list goes on.
Certainly, there would be no end to the different claims. So, which is the most difficult in Miracle Romano’s opinion? After
all, I guaranteed a conclusion with my title, did not I?
I have inspected and considered the dissimilar lines of reasoning, and found ALL of them judicial and factual. So how can each
of those dissimilar views be all right? Just as beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, a composition’s difficulty rests on the
pianist’s skill.
The discussion of “the most difficult piece” should not even persist. My ground for this is through the numerous experiences
that I used to face with much perplexity. One example is through the study of Rach 2, a Mozart and Scarlatti sonata. I
accomplished the Mozart three years before Rach 2, but until now, I am not satisfied with how I perform the Mozart and Scarlatti
while on the other hand, I feel fulfilled with my recently memorized Rach 2. If I set the scores side by side, a kindergarten
student will confidently insist upon the Rach 2 being “difficult” and the Mozart and Scarlatti sonatas “easy”…but, alas! How can
I persuade him that he is right when the time comes that he will let me perform the same pieces? The same child is capable of
detecting the slightest tempo inconsistency, and to my chagrin, an awkward hand position!
With the lack of a regular teacher, I find myself to be inadequate on some essential techniques for some “simple” pieces.
Another example is the comparison of Ravel Toccata that I studied along with Gottschalk’s Marche des Gibaros. Everyone would
definitely agree at first glance that the Toccata is superior in difficulty. Why is it then that I play the Ravel clearer than I
play the Gottschalk? The answer is simply because somewhere along the road, I have been taught the proper technique for Toccata,
but the technique for the shifting octaves in Marche des Gibaros, I have yet to learn. Thus, proving that there are divers kinds
of difficulty in technique alone, not to mention tempos and rhythms, and other crucial elements of a piece.
Now then, before I give away all my infirmities as a pianist, I would like to ask a question. Would Lang Lang and Van Cliburn be
found arguing whether Rach 3 is harder than Chopin’s E minor? I doubt it. They both find the two pieces easy.
Would I have been found arguing over the same thing with another pianist on the same level as I? Yes, there was a big possibility
that I would have before I started writing this.
The point is – yes, I do have one - there is a painful truth that such arguments pertaining to the “most difficult piece” arise
only among pianists, such as myself, who have not reached the ultimate class of pianists when technical and musical
immaculateness has already been achieved.
We have not lost anything during the exchange of ideas and thoughts as we discussed complicated pieces. However, let us not
waste time contemplating on such matters, but rather, use our time to ensure that we be not trapped in the rank of underling
pianists and let us continue striving to improve and falling in love with our music regardless of the difficulty.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 3:30 am by Miracle ♪♫
(6.28.2005)
What a feeling it is to wake up one day and fancy that you have just been born!
I emerged from my blanket as a baby from a mother’s womb. The reputed nine months of development in the uterus was just a
six-hour slumber. The antique bed creaked… (labour pains?) …then it shrieked, “it’s a girl!”
The moment my feet touched the wooden floor, someone with tousled hair was staring at me. Reality nurtured the newborn with
stupefying speed… who was I kidding? I was face to face with my full-length mirror… and there I was, awake and come of age…
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(6.29.2005)
There were no new-born fantasies today. The instant my clock struck five, I embarked on another day in the manner of an amateur
spinster with a structured daily schedule. It is a commendable way of banishing procrastination satisfactorily.
5:30 - 6:00 Revv up my adrenaline with stretches. (Bach plays on the stereo)
6:00 - 6:30 Un-clutter the house.
6:30 - 7:00 Sing in the shower.
7:00 - 7:30 Rouse the neighborhood with espresso’s seductive aroma. (Tango Fugata or Chocolat Soundtrack plays on the stereo)
7:00 and the rest of the morning I devote earnestly to my passion - music. What happens between 5:00 - 5:30? It is set aside
for relishing the coziness of a soft bed, and pillow-hugging.
Note: Schedule is subject to change without prior notice. =P
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(7.1.2005)
ADHD: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. ADDD: Attention Deficit Diffidence Disorder. (Ok, ok, I just made up the latter.)
These are the maladies of my Friday piano pupils. The older sister - the ADDD affected, and the younger - ADHD afflicted.
What a challenge it is to teach them both! Nevertheless, through them, I realize my love for teaching music. I have grown quite
fond of these two and I become elated whenever I hear crisp and clear Bach Inventions coming from these contrasting characters.
I believe that music, next to love, is a panacea for their character deficiencies. I hope for their amelioration… and pray for
my patience.
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(7.6.2005)
The rain clouds continue to veil the sun. From here it appears that way, but from up there, I am certain it is us who are
veiled.
Is not life so much like that? There are times when you think something is denied from you, only to discern that it is you alone
who deprive yourself.
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(7.7.2005)
Sung during one of the bible studies at Ahia Boyet’s, this song worked as a mnemonic on how I should live my life… and to whom
I should live it for.
When It’s All Been Said and Done.
When it’s all been said and done,
there is just one thing that matters.
Did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for you?
When it’s all been said and done,
All my treasures will be nothing.
Only what I’ve done for love’s reward
Will stand the test of time.
Lord your mercy is so great,
That you look beyond our weakness…
And find purest gold in miry clay
Making sinners into saints…
And I will always sing your praise,
Here on earth and ever after.
For you’ve shown me heaven’s my true home…
When it’s all been said and done…
You’re my life when life is gone.
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(7.10.2005)
…an hour in the kitchen cooking “chilli wings”… an afternoon at the beach… and an evening ironing clothes… I declare this
Sunday - in many ways - officially hot!
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(7.15.2005)
My normal morning routine was maintained despite staying up late last night with the family watching Richard Gere’s latest movie
Shall We Dance. It might not have contained the profundity I wish to acquire in every movie I watch, but I have to admit that it
provided understanding on certain issues in life. (Cheers to the trivial role of that African-American guy who quoted de
Beauvoir and Thoreau.)
Oh yes, the movie also inspired a lousy dancer such as myself. No, not because people have compared my derriere with JLo’s, but
because dance fascinated me ever since I was a child. Flamenco… Tango… Gypsy… Calypso… Latin-American dances… they
captivate me.
For now I have to put my feet back on the ground. I may not dance… but I know the music and the passion dances within me.
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(7.16.2005)
Once again I had my typical student-packed Saturday morning and a lesson with Misha (my little prince, brother, student, and
sentinel) in the afternoon. Instructing him on the piano for three to five times a week has become praxis rather than an
obligation.
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(7.17.2005)
The electricity was out as it always is nearly every Sunday. Without the electric fans, it was exceptionally warm and humid. I
washed the blinds of my elfin library but was unable to clean the rest of the room because the heat was quite intolerable.
(Whenever the weather becomes this unbearable during the day, it usually rains in the evening - and that is a posteriori
knowledge. Nobody Kant argue with that.)
Right after the sashimi lunch here upstairs, I took a nap and felt the pillows and sheets absorb my sweat, and dreamt. Hours
later, perspiration made my hair cling to my damp skin like leeches, but those leeches from inferno did not suck blood, they made
my blood rise to an exceeding temperature that I had to get up and bathe for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.
Eventually the whirr of power supply resumed at around four in the afternoon and the espresso machine and I were again at work on
our addicting concoction.
It is now evening and it is raining.
Amidst each day’s peculiarities and banalities, it is alive with life’s little prognostications.
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(7.19.2005)
The Arpeggionne Sonata plays on my mind…
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(7.30.2005)
He smiled at me one last time… and with that, an era in my life ended and another began.
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Posted in 2005/2006 Beginnings at 3:27 am by Miracle ♪♫
Windows can
be very fascinating, metaphorically and literally. It is perhaps why the largest passageway to
cyber world took on that name, and why a certain friend chooses to wait for “a
window of calm” before writing me, and why eyes are windows to other souls.
People may regard
windows differently and to some they may be mere architectural features. I’d like to think of windows as frames
for live images… images that have the ability to become viewers too. For me, a window is also an instrument to let
refreshing air flow into my life and prevent asphyxiating selfishness… to let
me see what lies beyond my borders, and allow me to appreciate and contemplate
on each ray of sun, every raindrop, and each person that walks through my
life.
The
following notes however, are re-tellings of the simple daily activities past and
within the chequered drapes of my elfin library.
(9.30.06)
I never
would have foreseen that I’d receive one of the best smiles in my life through
this window. It happened while I was practicing violin when suddenly a soft
metal rumble countered the sound of the violin. My ears piqued upon hearing the sound which I recognized as a child’s
bicycle. I continued practicing but the
rattling halted right below my window. I
had the curious urge to crane my neck and see what happened, and I cannot
regret doing so. For what I saw was a
little boy about four years of age, and he was standing on tiny tipped toes
also craning his neck to look inside my window. When our eyes met, he smiled the sweetest smile. This smile touched my heart so tenderly that I
felt I was undeserving for something as pure as that. Even after days from now, I’ll always be
thankful for that gift, that moment when I looked out my window and experienced
one of God’s small miracles.
(10.2.06)
The heavens
weep… tears of joy…
…beating the
leaves in merry punishment.
Itzhak
Perlman’s warm tones seep from the speakers,
but I am
patently cold.
Algidity
makes me numb, yet I feel so much…
This is an
oxymoronic picture of today
from both
sides of the window.
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Posted in Jest for Pun at 3:24 am by Miracle ♪♫
MATHEMATICS / PHYSICS
Math One Oh One
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.
4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
The following poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
E=mc2 = “Energy = Milk Chocolate square.”
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Math tells us three of the saddest love stories…
Tangent lines; who had one chance to meet and then parted forever.
Parallel lines; who were never meant to meet.
Asymptotes; who can get closer and closer but will never be together.
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“Love is like pi (3.1416) — natural, irrational, and very important.”
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The World - According to Student Bloopers
by Richard Lederer
St. Paul’s School
(Reprinted without permission)
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in “The Illiad”, by Homer. Homer also wrote the “Oddity”, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote”. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife dies and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Matha
Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called “Candy”. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are
flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious
state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the
West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of
the Species”. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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ENGLISH
Playing with Words
A bicycle can’t stand on it’s own because it is TWO-TIRED.
What’s the definition of a will. (It’s a dead giveaway)
Time flies like an arrow. FRUITFLIES like a banana.
A backwards poet writes INVERSE.
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get REPOSSESSED.
With her marriage, she got a new name
a-DRESS.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and i’ll show a A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four SECONDS.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine, is fully RECOVERED.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in LINOLEUM BLOWNAPART.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t BUDGE it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the KEY.
Every calendar’s days are NUMBERED.
A lot of money is tainted. It tAINT yours and it tAINT mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to BEAT.
He had a photographic memory that was never DEVELOPED.
A plateau is a high form of FLATTERY.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE.
Those who get too big for their britches, will be EXPOSED IN THE END.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen e
mALL.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge, are IN SEINE.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d DYE.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a KNEAD TO KNOW basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate CLAUSES.
Acupuncture is a JAB WELL DONE.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of deFEAT.
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The English Language
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he
would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let’s
face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, or meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And
why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t
groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t
the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends
but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?
If
teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the
same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as
it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by
people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human
race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the
stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.
Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”
There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is “UP.”
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak
UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People
stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things
UP.
When it doesn’t rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so… Time to shut UP…
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SERIOUS POSTS
HISTORY
Lincoln/Kennedy
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
(Now it gets really weird.)
Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.
JFK’s secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by southerners.
Both were succeeded by southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald who assassinated JFK was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fiffteen letters.
(Now hang on to your seat.)
Lincoln was shot at the theater named “Ford”.
Kennedy was shot in a car called “Lincoln” made by “Ford”.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
JFK was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
(…and here’s the kicker…)
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
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